Nicholas Craig column

Nov 4 2005 By Nicholas Craig, The Journal

Now is the season to listen to after-dinner speeches. I used to do quite a few such speeches myself, and I've listened to many, many more.

Whatever the subject, I believe the speech should be short, sharp and simple. Always keep them wanting more when you finish - that's my motto. It is a perennial conundrum that some speakers believe that for no other reason than sheer length, their speech will be memorable.

Despite the sight of diners trying not to nod off, the turgid talker will bore on and on until you would swear the sun is rising.

The highly estimable Institute of Chartered Accountants injected an element of surprise at one dinner I attended. The booked speaker cried off at the last minute and the organisers had to book another quickly through an agency.

They hoped to have an entertain- ing event, so asked for a speaker with a practised sense of humour.

They got a blue comic - with a highly colourful vocabulary. The comedian never flickered from his usual routine, despite a roomful of red-faced accountants looking more uncomfortable by the minute.

It was, however, a memorable occasion, if not in the way the overwrought organisers wished.

Many of us will have had to speak at a social function, if not a business one. It is a sad fact of life that I have been invited to speak at more funerals than weddings in the past year or two. Time marches on.

The social function requires the same disciplines as business- occasion speeches - with perhaps more of an emphasis on staying sober and keeping emotions under control. Those who speak from the heart without notes are to be admired and enjoyed, whether they are professional or amateur.

Gyles Brandreth has the record for the longest after-dinner speech - and he was paid!

If you had to think of the worst time for anyone to give a speech, it could well be after a pleasant, relaxing dinner.

The audience have just put down their knives and forks. They're probably still drinking wine, or sipping coffee. Mentally, they are already heading home. They are thinking about getting the car, paying the babysitter, watching the traffic.

They are not in the best mood to listen to profound thoughts delivered at ponderous length.

So, short and simple speeches win the day.

Nicholas Craig is a partner at Watson Burton LLP.