Keith Hann column

Jan 4 2006 By Keith Hann, The Journal

I finally reached my tipping point just before Christmas.

One of those MPs with a thick "och aye the noo" accent was banging on about the urgency of merging the English and Welsh police forces into EU-approved regions, and I suddenly thought, "Hang on, what's this got to do with you?"

You Scots wanted the power to run your own affairs, and now you've got it. So why are so many of you still intent on sticking your noses into ours?

English voters will soon have a choice of three party leaders: a dour son of the manse, the only red-haired Highlander who doesn't have a drink problem and a bloke called Cameron. I can't be alone in thinking it's not much of a selection.

So I've decided the time has come to start an English resistance, and I'm doing my bit by declaring an economic boycott of Scotland. I can source my grass-fed beef from English pastures, and the thought of never eating another farmed salmon is immensely cheering.

But there is one really good thing that comes out of Scotland, apart from newspaper editors. It's brown, comes in 70cl bottles and adds greatly to the jollity of life (odd, really, considering the absence of merriment at most events I've attended north of the border).

True, there are some excellent whiskeys produced by Bushmills in County Antrim, and I've read reports that a Lakeland Single Malt is under development near Kendal. But as a Northumbrian, I'd much rather be drinking a genuinely local product.

We've got the barley, water and peat right here. The Cheviot hills are pockmarked with the remains of illicit stills, so we know it can be done.

The long maturation period obviously represents a bit of a challenge for someone with my limited life expectancy, but that just makes it all the more important to get started. This could herald an economic renaissance that will make the Coquet as famous for its liquor as the Spey.

The only potential snag is that I haven't actually got the couple of million quid needed to get the venture off the ground. However, I am prepared to waive my intellectual property rights and provide a free service covering PR, marketing and product testing.

Millionaires with the cash, vision and patience should e-mail me at whisky@keithhann.com

Keith Hann is a PR consultant and English, even if he does live north of Hadrian's Wall. www.keithhann.com